pov: you are deepak
It should've been me. I'm supposed to be "the oldest", "the leader", "the one he looks up to", "the role model"... It's all bullshit. Pranal can pave his own way. I see the way he looks at me now, scared of who I am, like he's watching an animal at a zoo exhibit, not knowing how to properly tap the glass to get their attention. We'll be fine, it'll just take some time. But sometimes I would wake up and see my parents' feet in the door gap of my room, slowing down every time they passed, the pause of hesitation as if they were about to knock and check-in. They rarely did. Now they've just been hovering around me. I wonder, does Pranal see me the same way they see me? A disappointment?
They all practically shunned me when I told them the news. But it's not true. I didn't fail. Although I was never the brightest student, breezing my way through everything like Pranal, I could cheat - very well too. Honestly, I was doing fine in classes, scraping by, partying until I couldn't stand anymore. I miss it.
Now, sitting on the couch, it's all auto-pilot as I flip through anything I can get my hands on and snacking to distract my mind. Drinking helps the most, easing the pain away briefly, but the thoughts flood back much harder, uncontrollably so. Yet, that pain felt necessary too. I opened another bottle, feeling the coolness hit my tongue and a warm buzz spread throughout my body a bit later. Here comes the flood.
She wasn't the typical girl I would go for, but she liked me first. We were from the same hometown, so there was a lot to talk about, but I wasn't too invested. So I took a chance, played along, fucked around, because why not? No losses. If anything, I would be the heartbreaker, not her. Everything was casual, just how I liked it. Then one day, she told me she was pregnant and wanted to keep it.
"No, Lauren," I said again. "I can't settle down yet." In college, having a baby with a white girl? What would my family think? I haven't even peaked in life yet, I can't have a child. These are supposed to be the best years of my life.
"Deepak, I'm serious. This is serious. Maybe it was an accident, but I want you to be in their life," she begged.
"I can't." And so I blocked her, thinking it would all work out. I heard from friends that she gave up trying to contact me, and I unblocked her after what I felt like was enough time. I partied, met new girls, had the time of my life. A few weeks later, her name came up in conversation and my friends told me she dropped out.
I don't know what emotions bloomed up inside me after hearing that, but I couldn't handle it either way. I spiraled. I'd been suppressing my feelings in fear of rejection all this time, hiding my relationship from everyone back home, not knowing exactly what it was that I wanted. Suddenly I remembered all our late night conversations, the casual dates that I always called hangouts... Of course it's all gone now. I always told myself I wasn't attached to the relationship, but now I wasn't so sure. Why did she drop out? Did she keep the baby? How's she doing? Is she alive?
I couldn't focus on school much after that. It wasn't that I didn't try, but everything seemed so meaningless and confusing - like I couldn't wrap my head around any topic or concept. I could be a father right now. Imagine how different life would be. Deepak the Dad. It's got a ring to it. I had to go home. At least for a break. I let everything fall apart behind me as I packed up and left, telling my friends and family I flunked out so they would be more disappointed in me than curious in knowing the truth. I haven't kept in touch with my friends since, and they stopped reaching out after I stopped responding.
Now I lie down, zoning out and blending into the ceiling, ruminating over the past semester, not knowing what to do about anything. But I need to find her. She can't be far. We'll talk about a future, figure it out together...
This was really well-written! I like how you focused on a small part of the original story, the main character noticing his brothers possible depression, and turned it into an entirely new storyline. I think it really shows how Deepak and Pranal misunderstood each other for a long time, and were obviously not close enough to talk about the deeper emotions they were feeling. As we never really find out why Deepak dropped out of college, this shows that he probably never felt supported enough by his family and close enough with his brother to open up about what was happening. Deepak's shame of being a possible disappointment to his family is ultimately a large contributing factor to causing the rift between him and his brother.
ReplyDeleteNice post! this was really well written and an interesting hypothetical to what happened with Deepak to make him spiral down. It adds more layers to the sibling relationship too without directly saying it. Maybe this experience is what made Deepak so hostile to his brother's white girlfriend, and in some ways caused his falling out with Pranal. I like your take on the story, it's not what I would have expected but it doesn't seem impossible.
ReplyDeleteThis was interesting to read! I like how you took context of Deepak's character from the story, and spun it into a separate storyline that would still fit within the story. It's not hard to imagine something like that happening to a character like Deepak, and I like how you made it all flow together.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I hadn't even thought about the possibility of Lauren being a significant part of Deepak's life, but the way you illustrated the idea of them harboring some sort of relationship together, in connection to Deepak kind of "throwing his life" away for something else (that being Lauren) is so vividly interesting and fits as a possibility. Since there's so much ambiguity surrounding Deepak and his character, I feel like this could definitely explain why he could have faked flunking out to avoid more important and stressful conversations later in the future, especially in relation to his shame in inter-racial relationship and his family's customs, self reflections of how he's been treated in the past by white people, etc. Overall, this captured his personality extremely accurately, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting theory/idea about why Deepak left college. I could see this version of events making sense. His inner monologue is also well done, it gives you a closer look at things you can kind of infer from his brother's perspective, about his issues with depression and expectations and self-loathing.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I love this for so many reasons, mostly because this short story stood out to me on so many levels. Deepak's perspective is purely based off of Premal, so you taking creative initiative and writing from his perspective is super interesting to see.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting and creative take on why Deepak's perspective. While it is not specified why Deepak dropped out of college in the original story, this seems like something that would actually happen to him, and it also creates a reason for Deepak's resentment of his brother's white girlfriend. Furthermore, it provides some good insight into the struggles that Deepak undergoes, since the main story only focuses on Premal's struggles.
ReplyDelete